A Secant Query

Between Sleepy and Search

Wherein a pause between two feeds a third...

Between Sleepy and Search

🎶 Melé - Ay Si

How I Find Things

I might write a bit about what my evening routine looks like. How do I like to head to bed - or: how does this body I visit as this, its breath this moment, appear to enjoy being brought to meeting with the surprise of bed?

Because reaching the end of the day might always be a surprise. And keeping in that relationship, and not forgetting too rapidly into - not collapsing expectation into - an assumption of bed is a practice. Bed is a surprise. Joy is a bed at the end of the day.

I might imagine a roof over my bed, and silks decending down from this roof, and at the deep place, past the roof and inside the silk, I might crawl, and curl and fall asleep, shocked at the wild comfort I have found to disappear into and to wake in.

My bed has no roof, no silk to edge the bed ripplishly, lipidly. My sheets waif pastel cotton, I wake some nights from cold, having kicked the sheets off (a thing I never experienced sleeping out of a sleeping bag in a hammock with a tarp for shelter). Waking up from this is a new experience - I can't be mad, and the joy overtakes me, I giggle. Rustle, shuffle, settle. Sheets, kicked up, drift down, find me

Terribly Joyful

This breath, dawn greets like the end of something start[...]d something. And I looks for a thing I lose in bed. When this happens in the hammock, I just get out of the hammock.

And the thing I have lost is at the bottom. I find it; in bed is not a place where the bottom is also the middle is also the place gravity sends all lost items. But, something I have noticed, in my novice years of bed-sleeping, is: kneeling on the bed is a good way to look for things on the bed. It places me near the bed (a challenge, for when I am at once trying to not be also in bed and getting set to go).

It also generates a localized hammock effect around my knee lost things may collect against. How dew collects against grass. Does what I look for collect against me. Not that grass looks for dew.

As Dreams Go

That's it - just something I notice happens to me. I like to listen to recordings I make throughout the day, and fall asleep to them. So my earbud falls out into the bed. Which means it could be anywhere in with all the sheets. To look, I get in the bed, and don't lay down (as I might fall asleep).

And find the earbud likely to roll against my knee as I look for it. But sometimes it is out in the world (like on the floor), so I look to be able to switch my focus. Which can be hard to do, as it feels like a gamble.

Which is a narrow frame for the focus - the 'gamble' was all the way the night prior. My preference for falling asleep listening to little thoughts I had that day - a song or wish or want. Small things I found interesting enough to want to revisit, like reading myself a bedtime story I built through the course of the day. And a preference is not a gamble, it is simply what I perfer.

I perfer to listen to my silly thoughts. Which means all the strife that comes with it is part of the kindness. And all a matter of which form that kindness takes: a look on the floor, or in the bed - or a look to purchase ones that are wired, for sleeping in bed with.

And perhaps what is truly happening in this search is: the decision is closing, on involving earbuds at all. And so even when a search takes too long, it may only be evidence another world is looking to be born with the energy it takes to recovery any world that might've went off to rest in the bed.

There It Is